Picnic Table Sexually Violated Near Elementary School

Arthur Price, 39, of Bellevue, Ohio, has been charged with a sex crime: putting his erect penis through the middle of his own picnic table on his own property, with no one watching—but three blocks from a school!
Read more about Police: Man Had Sex With Picnic Table
Between January and March 2008 Mr. Price, with no prior record of sexual assault on any other steel and plastic objects, or on children or on adults or on anything else, apparently violated Ohio sex laws when he made love to his picnic table on a number of occasions, both inside his house and outside his house on his deck.

A neighbor’s DVDs show Mr. Price making love to the table, first in his living room, to climax, and then lugging his picnic table out to his deck, where he repeatedly confirmed his passion and commitment with multiple climaxes—as the neighbor’s DVDs confirm.

Criminal problem? The poor guy was doing this whatever-nonsense was 3 blocks from an elementary school and this is America with a prosecutorial disease of needing to show how protective we are of our children, especially when it comes to ANYTHING relating to sex.

[Editorial note: the author is one of the few California criminal defense lawyer who has spent over a decade in third-world countries—and as a result he is appreciative of the U.S. criminal justice system compared to most others; for instance, he spent many hours and too much money helping Australian, New Zealand, and American drug defendants in Thailand jails (where oral and anal sex is permitted if the jailers get to participate or at least watch].

The victim, lacking English-speaking skills, and the arresting officers not speaking table talk, had no comment to the arresting officers and will not be put on the witness stand.

This post appears on my blog on April’s Fools Day—but it is not a joke; this is real, this is Ohio; this is America.